I get butterflies when you text me.
With every new word, I fall more in love with you.
Our compatibility is eccentric.
We live in two separate worlds,
But somehow find a common ground.
Today we were talking about alcohol,
And you had said that you wished we had hung out sooner when we both lived on campus.
I wish that we could find a common world and remain there together.
This will be the only time I admit that I love you.
It just may not be true.
Lately, I’ve been feeling very much the lonely person, the odd man out, or the third wheel.
It’s not fun feeling like you don’t fit in anywhere. In fact, it’s really fucking hard to face everyday feeling like you’re all alone. Like there’s no one to hold your hand, and that you may just lose it one day.
But when I think hard about it, maybe this is how I should feel when I follow God, because we were not made to be part of this world, only just in it.
Maybe, God is showing something, and I’m not sure what.
But for now, all I can do is complain about how hard it is to feel the way I feel.
My mom and I can’t go a day without some kind of argument.
It’s to the point that I’m just ready to leave her, and what I mean by leave is that I can’t have any type of communication with her.
We argue because we start talking about something and may have minor disagreements, or it’s because I know how something works, and she thinks that because she did something 20 something years ago, that it’s the same way today. No, it’s not.
But I just try and get her to listen to me, and she doesn’t. She doesn’t like it when she’s wrong, and can never even admit that she’s wrong. We are both prideful, but at least I know what I know, and she knows what she knows. But she doesn’t want to accept the fact that times have changed, and that something isn’t the same as she once knew.
She’s very difficult to deal with, and I just wish she would take the time and listen before she gets upset because all I want is to be heard before she starts talking.
Also, she creeps trying to tell me where things are here, but I’m trying to tell her that I won’t know unless she has me follow her there. But, I also said that all she has to do is tell me what a place is called, and I can just find it in my GPS.
The second argument has to do with wether servers tip out or not to hosts or whatever. And working in the industry, I’ve come to meet other people who have worked in other restaurants, all different types as well, so everyone does tip out no matter where you go. If there’s a host and/or bartender, you tip out. But she’s trying to tell me that not every restaurant had the tip out system, and I’m trying to tell her that I know because I’ve made friends with people who have served other places. But she wouldn’t have it. So then she started telling me my time was horrible, when I was hearing nothing hit anger in her voice. She told me to calm down, but I told her that she needed to calm down too because she never once changed her tone once she got upset. It’s like I don’t have a right to be upset because I’m not being heard.
So she picked up my coffee table and slams it on the ground, knocking all of our sodas all over the place.
It really wasn’t that big of a deal, and even my dad was trying to clarify that the times have changed, and that it’s possible that I just may be right in what I’m saying.
My mom doesn’t like it when she feels challenged. She feels that someone has threatened her knowledge, but she only allows it because she refuses to accept the someone other than herself might just be right!
The problem here is that my mother has always been this way. And she still allows her anger to upset her.
All I ever wanted was for her to actually listen and not just hear me.
Is that so hard to ask?
She talks about how I’m not loving, but if anything, I learned it from her in the way she behaves towards me. I know she loves me, and I love her, but doesn’t loving someone else kind of mean even listening and accepting what you hear?
It only got hard because I went to public school, and she started to refuse me and everything I said. Her anger isn’t any different from when she homeschooled me, but the way she started listening to me was different. It was like because I was in public school, that she felt she had a right to disregard everything I ever said.
I don’t regret saying the things I’ve said to her, but I do regret the way she treated me. I wish she would listen to the way that I need to be loved, not how she thinks is okay.
I have a voice, as well.